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I’m gonna start off by saying that this past week has not been the greatest for me socially, mentally, or emotionally. Let’s just say it’s been a bad week, and I’ve been in one of my slumps.

For those who don’t know, although most should by now, I have Bipolar. It’s..confusing to both me and others because it means my mood is constantly drifting between extremes with the occasional period of normal (for me at least). It makes it hard for peopl to understand me sometimes, and especially hard for me to understand myself. It’s like I don’t know what’s me and what’s not, all the while knowing that it’s all me. I feel like 3 different people at once. There’s just…no other way of explaining it.

For the past week, I’ve been in my down mood. What most don’t understand, this does not mean that I’ll appear or act ‘down’ or depressed or whatever the entire time. I will have short periods throughout the day that resemble normal or happy. It fools even me sometimes. In the end it just comes down to a lack of motivation to do anything, a feeling of uselessness and weakness, a desire to eat ridiculously large amount of food, or none at all, and the strong(er than usual) need to be alone.

Usually there’s a trigger for me to switch between my moods. A big one is stress. You see, I can’t stay in the dorms after mid-May. I can’t go back home. I have nowhere to go. Therefore, I need an apartment. Problem: Most apartments require a cosigner, or good credit and rental history. Guess what I don’t have? Any of that. On top of that, I need to find a second (third for now) That pays more than minimum wage. I already know that another job in sales would drain my mental and emotional health. I got offered a job Thursday, but ultimately turned it down because it A) paid little more than minimum wage, and B) it was a sales position. I applied to another job that wasn’t sales oriented and got two interviews for that, but wasn’t told until the second one that it was potentially a leadership position. I can’t handle power. It goes to my head. But I would be willing to try it out anyways and make it work, because I have to. I highly doubt I’ll hear from them this week with my credentials. So, my financial security for the future is floating right now.

Secondly, it would be so much easier if I had a for sure roommate to share an apartment with. I don’t have that. I’m not going to go too into detail about that, because it would be a rant of irrational anger and possible misunderstanding. To sum it up, for now my future looks like I’ll either have to quit my job and go home, couch surf, or be homeless. None of which are appealing or even healthy for me.

On top of that, there’s school work troubles. I have multiple big assignments that are already late that I need to do. They’re super easy, I could get either of them done within an hour. I have no drive whatsoever to do them. It’s not simply the “I’m lazy” factor. If I was lazy, I wouldn’t even bother going to the classes. I wouldn’t be working two jobs. I wouldn’t be job and apartment hunting. I’d be laying in bed all day or goofing off. I just don’t wanna do school anymore. I want to finish and get my associates degree, I just feel like it has no purpose right now other than racking up my debt in loans and obstructing my available time to work.

Back to the bipolar bit, there’s something I found that made me angry. I googled how to tell the difference between what’s me and what’s my mood The article told me to ask and tell myself that I’m sick and if this is my illness or normal behavior. I was infuriated. My bipolar is not an illness. I am not sick. It’s how my brain and hormones work. It’s part of my chemistry. It’s like saying I need drugs to stabilize myself. Stabilize myself ad become a moving zombies or be deluded by what’s not real. Sure, I already have my delusions. But becoming deluded to my own mind by way of some sort of synthetic therapy is worse.

Here’s a little tidbit you probably didn’t know. Bipolar is one of the most dangerous mental disorders there is. And one of the most deadly. Wanna know why? It has a high suicide rate. Yes, when people go through what I’m going through now, they have a higher chance of committing suicide. Granted my bipolar isn’t as severe, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it nor don’t want to. Instead, I’m obligated to be alive. I know that this is just a phase. It happens to me all the time, and that if I just wait, I’ll get through it. I also know that if I did do it, it would upset a lot of people. And there’s no cheesecake in the afterlife.

This is pretty much all I can think of to say right now. I don’t expect sympathy. i don’t want sympathy. I’m just tired of talking to people whenever I have problems or am experiencing an emotional breakdown. It doesn’t help. It never does. What I go through can’t be fixed by anything but the passage of time and just..living. It’s better not to burden people with something that happens to me all the time. I have to just stick through it, feel terrible, and then just bide and enjoy the time before it happens again. I’ll be like this for the rest of my life. Knowing this sucks, but there’s nothing to be one about it without altering my own brain chemistry.

So, see ya. I guess 😛