Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I haven’t posted on this for awhile because I’ve been busy with a bunch of other things. College, my two jobs, school work, naps, etc. There are a couple things on my mind that I would like to share however and need some sort of ventilation. While I’m relatively lucid and free from my contradicting thoughts and hyperactive mind.

First, lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been especially hyperactive. I’m too happy all the time and I just can’t. Stop. Talking. It’s like I have two different people in my head. The one that’s dominant right now, who is more adult-like, serious, and quiet. Then there’s the other one who is more child-like, excitable, outgoing…and annoying. It’s been days, weeks maybe, since I’ve felt so…serious like this. I’m pretty sure both people can be identified as my manic side, and my depressive side.

Usually how it works is that something will trigger the manic side to come out and I’ll be hyperactive to the point where I become energetically upset, if that makes sense. Those who have seen me like that know what I’m talking about. Other times, it’ll be more subtle. Like the past few weeks. Then, I’m not purely manic, but I am most of the time. I’m more talkative and outgoing, and that’s not really in my nature. It doesn’t feel right. It feels almost forced. I tell people things I don’t really want them to know. I talk to people I normally wouldn’t. I go out and I’m actually social. I have boundless amounts of energy. Basically, I act like a little kid.

Then later I switch to my depressive side, how I am right now. Or maybe this is more of a transitional phase because I don’t really feel all that depressed at the moment. During this part I regret essentially everything I did while I was..child-like. I view it as stupid. I don’t socialize with random strangers as much. I’m more responsible and adult-like, and careful about what I say. I become more of the loner I always have been.

Then during the depressive phase, I just don’t wanna do anything. I won’t talk to anybody. I won’t leave my room unless I have to. I won’t eat too much or want to..do anything really. Except maybe watch Buffy. That helps.

I used to get psychiatric help with this when I was younger. The details are a little fuzzy, because I was just a kid and didn’t know anything that was going on. All I know is I went through about 14 different counselors from the ages of 2-16. Essentially a new one every year. It doesn’t seem like any of them really helped me, and I hated being on medication. I used to be unable to sleep, and extremely moody. I was taken off the meds when I was 10, and since then it’s been escalating. Not the sleeplessness. Thank god.

The thing is though, my philosophy is that mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, ADD, ADHD, etc. etc. shouldn’t be medicated. First off, depression is a stage of life everybody goes through. Everybody gets depressed. Not much you can do about it but power through it and do what you can to make yourself feel better. It’s almost like a cold. It sucks, but you just have to wait it out. ADD, bipolar, and ADHD and the like I think are what makes up that individual’s personality.

The only thing that should be done, is to learn how to control it so it doesn’t get out of hand. Through therapy, not medication. Medication has so many side effects…it’s just not natural. We are all capable of learning how to control stuff like that, it’s just a matter of finding the right ways to do so and the right medium to learn it from. From medication, you can develop a dependance on it. The side effects are almost endless because you’re messing with your body’s chemistry. Suicide, depression, headaches, dependence…it’s endless.

Which is why I refuse to get medication for how I am. It’s like society is saying “You’re broken. You need to be fixed.” I actually had someone say that to me once when I told them how I felt. Wanna know how it made me feel? Like crap. For all of two seconds. Then I was ticked off. Nobody should tell you you’re broken because of something like that and you need to ‘fix’ who you are. You’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just an aspect of yourself you need to control. Otherwise, you’d be monotonous and boring. Then you truly are broken. A broken record.

 

(On another note, I hired an editor to take a look at the manuscript of my first book. If all goes well, I should have an agent by the end of the year 🙂 )