This is gonna be one of them serious rambly posts. About life and feelings and emotions and all that icky stuff. Thou hath been warned.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m losing control of myself. Not like I had much control in the first place 
You could say it’s hormones as well as all the other problems I seem (or think) to have. You could consider it to be normal. I don’t.
To start off, about a year ago I met someone and sorta..kinda developed a crush on them. For the first time ever, and shockingly, I told them about it. They seemed fine with it. Unfamiliar with this new different feeling inside, I let it take control of me. The entire summer it felt like I was addicted and needed to be near them. I began rambling to everybody who would listen about it. You know, the whole ‘don’t bottle it up’ thing. That only seemed to make it worse. I messaged them about 2 more times telling them about this, and I think they started getting a little irritated. Or maybe not considering they still tolerated me. Who knows? I’m paranoid. Anyways, at the end of the summer, they left for camp. I found somebody on a..um..dating site and seeing them inactive, I got all creeper like, found them on facebook, and friended them. It was a rocky 3 month long friendship of sorts. But, they made me forget about the other person. I’ll admit, I was kinda pushy. Hey, you have a desperate teenager looking for that special kind of attention, y’know? But it was totally out of character for me.
About mid-october I headed back home from college for the first time. My first thoughts were of person A, and I felt something tug me to the high school (it was a friday afternoon). Using the cover of looking for another friend (which I would use a few more times in the future), I actively looked for them. And found them. That’s when I realized I was using person B just to cover up my feelings for person A. And the fact that what attracted me to person B was that they resembled person A in their profile picture. There was also the fact that they were in some ways more eligible.
It was either a few weeks before or after I had realized this, I had messaged Person A on Facebook. Just to catch up and all that. For some reason, just talking to them had put me in an abnormally good mood for the rest of the day. Beginning of November/end of October I was home again. A few good friends and I decided to go out to eat. Knowing Person A would be there that night, I suggested their place of work. Sure enough, they were there and I was so nervous I barely said anything. We made another trip there next month. A few more times I would talk to Person A, or hang out with them during late night walks. During one of these, I asked them to meet me. I had decided to tell them my feelings didn’t change, as much as I had tried to make them go away. They said they were cool with it they guessed and asked if I could make them go away. I told them I couldn’t. We pretty much ended the conversation right there and they headed home.
By then, I had the sinking feeling that nothing would ever work out, but that we would still remain friends. Still, I couldn’t understand why I felt so calm around them. Why I was perfectly content no matter what we were doing. The next month I asked them to come stay with me in my dorm. It was a long-shot, and I expected a no, but they enthusiastically said yes. That day I was so happy, you don’t even know. The event was jeopardized by something I had fortunately foreseen (last minute at that), and it was saved. I had agreed to go to a club with them, purely cause they wanted to go. Keep in mind, I’m not the clubbing sort, at all. That entire day we spent together was probably one of the best days ever, only trumped by a later one that happened in the summer. At the club though, I stood aside so they could have fun, I knew I wouldn’t be able to provide them that in such an environment. It killed me to watch them dance with other people, but I stood through it. As long as they had a good time, I didn’t care.
They stayed with me once more and we hung out a few more times before the summer. Each time, my feelings for them grew, and I realized I’d do anything for them. But I couldn’t see myself anywhere in their future. They would give me hope, however, as we became better friends. The possibility of being with them seemed brighter and brighter. I talked about them to my friends all the time, and I’m sure they got sick of it and the rollercoaster of emotions I was feeling as well. I couldn’t help it. This overload of feelings and stress and paranoia also triggered a few bipolar episodes that weren’t all that pretty. Every time before I went to go meet them, I would plan to tell them I cared for them. Every time, I chickened out. Until about a week ago.
I couldn’t tell them in person, so I messaged them on Facebook. I was certain they could give me some sort of answer to end this rollercoaster and cause me to come at peace somehow. This one person had such control over me, and I’m sure they didn’t even know it. I hated that. But nothing was working, I couldn’t let go of them like that without losing them as a friend. Their response wasn’t as I had hoped it would be and I didn’t get my answer. I grew impatient, and got a little irritated and nervous and depressed all at the same time. It kind of scared me. I sat by the gazebo I pass every night on my walks and finally messaged them to forget about what I had said. I had planned for it to be a sort of goodbye to them, at least for the time being. I got no response and accepted that they probably had nothing to say to it or didn’t interpret it as I had hoped or whatever. I can be hard to understand sometimes.
I went camping this week and had a dream. Something that told me what I had intended to do wasn’t right. I had learned earlier in the week that I would be leaving for college a week earlier than expected. When I came back from the great outdoors, I messaged them to let them know and that I was open to hanging out if they got the chance. I really don’t want to lose them, but I know I can’t keep this up anymore. It’s turning me into someone I never wanted to be. Only two people can set it right, and I’m not leaving it to them any longer. It’s not their responsibility. It’s mine. So with this, I’ve decided I won’t talk about them anymore. I won’t pester them to hang out. I’ll wait for them to come to me. I still and will always care about them deeper than I’ve cared for anyone else at this point of my life. I still don’t understand it, and never will. If something’s meant to happen, it will. College will keep me distracted in the meantime.
I think this rant’s too long as it is already. So I’m ending it here.
Au Revoir
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