Ugh… The Easter Bunny.

Tags

Bad Day, Bipolar, Bunnies, Cheesecake, Depression, Rant, Spring Blues, Suicide, Venting

I’m gonna start off by saying that this past week has not been the greatest for me socially, mentally, or emotionally. Let’s just say it’s been a bad week, and I’ve been in one of my slumps.

For those who don’t know, although most should by now, I have Bipolar. It’s..confusing to both me and others because it means my mood is constantly drifting between extremes with the occasional period of normal (for me at least). It makes it hard for peopl to understand me sometimes, and especially hard for me to understand myself. It’s like I don’t know what’s me and what’s not, all the while knowing that it’s all me. I feel like 3 different people at once. There’s just…no other way of explaining it.

For the past week, I’ve been in my down mood. What most don’t understand, this does not mean that I’ll appear or act ‘down’ or depressed or whatever the entire time. I will have short periods throughout the day that resemble normal or happy. It fools even me sometimes. In the end it just comes down to a lack of motivation to do anything, a feeling of uselessness and weakness, a desire to eat ridiculously large amount of food, or none at all, and the strong(er than usual) need to be alone.

Usually there’s a trigger for me to switch between my moods. A big one is stress. You see, I can’t stay in the dorms after mid-May. I can’t go back home. I have nowhere to go. Therefore, I need an apartment. Problem: Most apartments require a cosigner, or good credit and rental history. Guess what I don’t have? Any of that. On top of that, I need to find a second (third for now) That pays more than minimum wage. I already know that another job in sales would drain my mental and emotional health. I got offered a job Thursday, but ultimately turned it down because it A) paid little more than minimum wage, and B) it was a sales position. I applied to another job that wasn’t sales oriented and got two interviews for that, but wasn’t told until the second one that it was potentially a leadership position. I can’t handle power. It goes to my head. But I would be willing to try it out anyways and make it work, because I have to. I highly doubt I’ll hear from them this week with my credentials. So, my financial security for the future is floating right now.

Secondly, it would be so much easier if I had a for sure roommate to share an apartment with. I don’t have that. I’m not going to go too into detail about that, because it would be a rant of irrational anger and possible misunderstanding. To sum it up, for now my future looks like I’ll either have to quit my job and go home, couch surf, or be homeless. None of which are appealing or even healthy for me.

On top of that, there’s school work troubles. I have multiple big assignments that are already late that I need to do. They’re super easy, I could get either of them done within an hour. I have no drive whatsoever to do them. It’s not simply the “I’m lazy” factor. If I was lazy, I wouldn’t even bother going to the classes. I wouldn’t be working two jobs. I wouldn’t be job and apartment hunting. I’d be laying in bed all day or goofing off. I just don’t wanna do school anymore. I want to finish and get my associates degree, I just feel like it has no purpose right now other than racking up my debt in loans and obstructing my available time to work.

Back to the bipolar bit, there’s something I found that made me angry. I googled how to tell the difference between what’s me and what’s my mood The article told me to ask and tell myself that I’m sick and if this is my illness or normal behavior. I was infuriated. My bipolar is not an illness. I am not sick. It’s how my brain and hormones work. It’s part of my chemistry. It’s like saying I need drugs to stabilize myself. Stabilize myself ad become a moving zombies or be deluded by what’s not real. Sure, I already have my delusions. But becoming deluded to my own mind by way of some sort of synthetic therapy is worse.

Here’s a little tidbit you probably didn’t know. Bipolar is one of the most dangerous mental disorders there is. And one of the most deadly. Wanna know why? It has a high suicide rate. Yes, when people go through what I’m going through now, they have a higher chance of committing suicide. Granted my bipolar isn’t as severe, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it nor don’t want to. Instead, I’m obligated to be alive. I know that this is just a phase. It happens to me all the time, and that if I just wait, I’ll get through it. I also know that if I did do it, it would upset a lot of people. And there’s no cheesecake in the afterlife.

This is pretty much all I can think of to say right now. I don’t expect sympathy. i don’t want sympathy. I’m just tired of talking to people whenever I have problems or am experiencing an emotional breakdown. It doesn’t help. It never does. What I go through can’t be fixed by anything but the passage of time and just..living. It’s better not to burden people with something that happens to me all the time. I have to just stick through it, feel terrible, and then just bide and enjoy the time before it happens again. I’ll be like this for the rest of my life. Knowing this sucks, but there’s nothing to be one about it without altering my own brain chemistry.

So, see ya. I guess 😛

My Cocoon Of Blankets Wishes Me To Stay

Tags

circles, class, homework, Pajamas, Procrastinating, smarts, squares, triangles

It’s the second (full) week of classes for me, and yet again, I’ve managed to leave all my work to be done… 2 hours before all of my classes. You see, all four of my classes are 75 minutes long, back to back, Tuesdays and Thursdays. All of my classes also happen to be writing intensive and like to assign homework due every class. Me, being the dastardly procrastinator that I am…made a foolish mistake. You see, I hate studying. I hate reading text books (who doesn’t?). I hate trying to learn material on my own (unless it’s trivial stuff that will in no way help me in life). I’m an observer, doer, and repeater. The way I learn is by doing things or hearing them over, and over, and over again. The only things I like to read for extensive periods of time are things…that are actually enjoyable to read.

Anyways, I’m getting off topic. This happens every semester. I get all confident and stuff with the mindset of “This semester is the semester I’ll be an excellent student. I’ll set aside some time every day to study and do homework and learn and excel and amaze everybody with my smarticleness. (That is a word now.).” Every semester it fails. Mainly because I make an earnest effort for like a day, then I get terribly bored and distracted and it gets tossed aside like yesterday’s tuna sandwich (smelly). Then I end up in this situation. I currently have a mini paper, 4 chapters to read, and 2 writing assignments that are due throughout the day. And would you look at that; instead I’m typing this up.I’ve resolved to just skip class and do the other assignments during that period (hahahahahahahaha).

Regardless of my bad habits, I still manage to somehow get them done and retain above a 3.0 GPA. It would be so much easier if they, you know, actually went over and taught the material instead of expecting community college students to read through the books and take notes on their own time. Because we all know that’s a reasonable assumption.

Side Note: I wore pajamas around town last night. So comfy. Where have they been all my life?

Carrots

Tags

Black Dragon Pearls, Book, College, Early, Procrastinating, Psych, Psychology, Rambling, School, Tea, Work

Good Morning World!

This morning I am broadcasting from the workstation of one of my two jobs. Instead of studying, I’m going to be yapping about…studying. And other miscellaneous topics to make myself seem productive. (Also Creep is playing in the background, and I fail to understand why it’s included in a lot of top 90’s lists. Too depressing….although I like that little guitar riff.) You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing up at 6-7 AM anyways. That’s because A) I’m naturally an early bird, and B) I have two jobs, one of which requires my attendance at 6 AM. Not much of a big deal to me, considering I’ve had to wake up this earlier, or earlier since….4th grade? Long story.

In case you didn’t know, I’m a Psych major. Since I took Intro to Psych last year, I took a liking to the area. (Also, all career tests pointed me towards the direction of therapy, which I find kind of ironic.) So, this semester, I’m finally taking all Psychology classes. And let me tell you, the first chapters of each book are dreadfully boring. I went through and read the first chapter of my Social Psychology book (agaIn) last night, and it was all basic stuff…and statistics. I hated statistics. With a fiery passion of a thousand suns. It also happened to be 10 PM…and I didn’t have any caffeine which made it all the more difficult to stay focused. I promised myself to do more work during my shift in the morning…and here we are. Too much to do, too little motivation and alertness. (Although I have caffeine now. Say hello to my friend/mortal enemy Black Dragon Pearl tea :D)

I recently started playing Travian again. For those of you who don’t know, Travian is a browser based strategy-war game that spreads across many, many servers worldwide. The goal is to form alliances with other players as you build up your villages and take over the world. This is about my…fifth attempt at the game. I tend to get bored or too busy to care about a month in every time, so I just quit. Like most games I play, I tend to make it more work than it is fun. Things tend to get pretty serious and heated as the game progresses. We shall see if this time is different. Updates will come later. Maybe. Possibly. 

This past week, I was in kind of a slump. I think I made a depressing sort of post last…Tuesday? Which was the first post I made in months. I get like that sometimes. It can last anywhere from a few days to a few months. It really, really sucks. I’m better now though. I think it was a combination of stress among other factors. As I mentioned previously, I’m not medicated for my bipolar because I don’t believe in that. Instead, I’ve developed various other coping mechanisms. One of them being marathons of Buffy. I think I need to develop some preventive measures to assure it doesn’t happen too often later on. I have a very..busy schedule this semester. Not only do I work 30+ hours a week, I also have to make room for school work, friends, sleep, and food. Along with my book, and oh look, also Travian now. I’m a masochistic bastard.

Oh yeah, my book. I’ve neglected going through the rest of what my editor sent last week. I feel bad..although I already paid her, so I guess it evens out a bit. When I figure out my schedule more, I will surely get on that. My goal is to have a finished product by the end of Spring..so I guess I better get on it.

Future plans that are being developed right now. I have a few trips I’m planning on. One is to Boston, which is the week after next. Gonna go with some friends to places and visit one of my best friends. The next trip is to NYC over Spring break. Gonna go to a Broadway show with people and maybe meet up with some other friends on the way. I’m excited for that cause I’ve never been to NYC before. It’s gonna be awesome. Also, I plan on getting an apartment with a few friends once the semester is over in May. Super excited for that, and I’ve already set up a savings account for that. Mostly excited cause I miss my cats. And I’ll be able to cook real food. Only issue there is I don’t think my potential roommates are too into healthy eating…which could present a conflict. Junk food junkies.

So, this has mostly been a rambling update of what I’ve been up to in and effort to procrastinate and keep busy. I’m not the most…organized person in the thought area ever. Maybe I should focus on keeping structure on future posts? Be all witty and such. I dunno. 

Until Next time!

 

BTVS Top 50

Tags

Buffy, Double Post, List, Sandwiches, Top ten

Here are my top 50 BTVS-verse characters:

1)Buffy
2)Willow
3)Fred
4)Anya
5)Faith
6)Tara
7)Darla
8)Glory
9)Drusilla
10)Angel
11)Spike
12)Joyce
13)Oz
14)Xander
15)Giles
16)Lorne
17)Gwen
18)Kendra
19)Clem
20)Jenny
21)Wesley
22)Cordelia
23)Angelus
24)Kate
25)Lilah
26)Mayor Wilkins
27)Gunn
28)Sweet
29)Robin
30)Doyle
31)Vi
32)Dracula
33)Anne
34)Andrew
35)Groosalugg
36)Eve
37)Nina
38)Dawn
39)Harmony
40)The Master
41)Caleb
42)Riley
43)Ethan
44)Jasmine
45)Warren
46)Holtz
47)Connor
48)Lindsay
49)Principal Snyder
50)Illyria

Now for an explanation. I essentially just typed the first 50 BTVS-verse characters that came to my mind. How I grouped it is pretty…simple I guess. The first ten are all my favorites. All time favorites. The last 50 are the characters I hate the most. Everyone in the middle were ones I didn’t particularly care for, or just..couldn’t decide. Obviously every single one of these characters resonated with me in some way.

Buffy is number one because..well she’s Buffy. She’s the central character. She’s completely BA. Anybody who says otherwise can get out. Now. Willow is number two for essentially the same reason. I loved all that is Willow. I loved her when she was shy, geeky, and awkward. I loved her when she became all powerful, confident, BA super-witch. And of course, I loved her when she was the Big Bad of season 6. Oh my Turtle how I loved Dark Willow. She’s the reason why flaying is now my favorite form of killing people in short stories and stuff.

Wait, what?

Ahem, moving on. Fred. I- words cannot express my adoration of Winnifred Burkle. Words cannot express how heartbroken or how much I cried when that stupid filthy skank hell god demon whore Illyria killed her then took over her body. I still haven’t finished Angel. I own all the dvds. This happened three years ago.

Anya…oh Anya. Her blunt way of dealing with common taboo subjects in public such as sex and morbidity made me love her even more. Sure, sometimes she could have been a witch. I mean, she WAS a vengeance demon. But her character development was one of the most well done aspects of the series in my opinion and her journey from demon to human (and back again) was amazing. I also sobbed uncontrollably when she died at the end of the series. But it was the last episode. It was forgiven. Sorta. She’s also the source of my intense hatred for the Lepus.

Faith is BA. Need I say more? Tara and Willow’s relationship was one of maybe two fictional character relationships that I ever, EVER actually rooted for. That’s saying something. Also, Joss Whedon is a dick. Just saying.

I didn’t like Darla at first, I thought she was irritating. Then when she reappeared in Angel, I grew to love her as she became human, and as she shared a soul with COnnor while she was pregnant. I was so upset when Drusilla re-sired her, but that soon dissipated. Which brings me to Drusilla. Her insanity is what draws me to her. She’s just so fascinating and sadistic, I love it. When her and Darla teamed up and wrecked havoc on LA…one of my favorite parts of Angel ever.

I just love the crazies. Which is why Glory is in my top ten. I think Glory is the reason why season 5 is one of my all time favorites. She also has one of the best quotes ever: “So you’re saying some people like this? Funny, ’cause I look around at this world you’re so eager to a part of, and all I see are six billion lunatics looking for the fastest way out. Who’s not crazy? Look around. Everyone’s drinking, smoking, shooting up, shooting each other or just plain screwing their brains out ’cause they don’t want ’em anymore. I’m crazy? Honey, I’m the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind. ‘Cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.”

I don’t have much to say about Angel other than I liked him more than Spike. Sorry.

The last ten, I just wanted to rip their guts out and just couldn’t wait for them to go away.. Riley was a selfish douche. Ethan was just a dick. Jasmine was annoying as hell. Holtz was a bastard. Connor has too many daddy issues (although he does get better in After The Fall…), Lindsay was too…flip-floppy, The Master was actually okay, and Warren killed Tara. And is a misogynistic dick. As for Illyria, although some say she’s a complete BA, she killed Fred. I can never forgive her.

 

Journal

Tags

Dreams, Idon'teven, Journals, Nightmares, Poetry, Random Creativity, Sleep, TIred, What

Floating in the dense air
Thinking as I lay there
Pictures in a frame
Circled by a white cloud
Voices being so loud
Are they all the same?

Wretched hands they grab skin
Sticky blood on cold pins
Undying hunger gnaws
Wanting warmth in their bed
Forever on, so they tread
Defying nature’s laws

Tricky little gremlins
Stealing all my somethin’s
Flee to other planes
Chasing them all o’er town
Tired, then I slow down
‘Cause it’s all the same

Flickering, the light’s on
Everything is all gone
Picking up a pen
Fleeting by, it’s so fast
Memories are now past
I write it down again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Occasionally, when I’m really tired or just out of it, I write random poetry. Just whatever comes into mind. I did this one last night literally 2 minutes before I fell asleep. I went and revised it slightly, but didn’t change much of it. Interpret it as you will.

I Shouldn’t Have To Title These.

Tags

ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, Depression, Hyperactivity, Lucid, Medication, Personality, Psychiatry, Therapy, Treatment, Voices

I haven’t posted on this for awhile because I’ve been busy with a bunch of other things. College, my two jobs, school work, naps, etc. There are a couple things on my mind that I would like to share however and need some sort of ventilation. While I’m relatively lucid and free from my contradicting thoughts and hyperactive mind.

First, lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been especially hyperactive. I’m too happy all the time and I just can’t. Stop. Talking. It’s like I have two different people in my head. The one that’s dominant right now, who is more adult-like, serious, and quiet. Then there’s the other one who is more child-like, excitable, outgoing…and annoying. It’s been days, weeks maybe, since I’ve felt so…serious like this. I’m pretty sure both people can be identified as my manic side, and my depressive side.

Usually how it works is that something will trigger the manic side to come out and I’ll be hyperactive to the point where I become energetically upset, if that makes sense. Those who have seen me like that know what I’m talking about. Other times, it’ll be more subtle. Like the past few weeks. Then, I’m not purely manic, but I am most of the time. I’m more talkative and outgoing, and that’s not really in my nature. It doesn’t feel right. It feels almost forced. I tell people things I don’t really want them to know. I talk to people I normally wouldn’t. I go out and I’m actually social. I have boundless amounts of energy. Basically, I act like a little kid.

Then later I switch to my depressive side, how I am right now. Or maybe this is more of a transitional phase because I don’t really feel all that depressed at the moment. During this part I regret essentially everything I did while I was..child-like. I view it as stupid. I don’t socialize with random strangers as much. I’m more responsible and adult-like, and careful about what I say. I become more of the loner I always have been.

Then during the depressive phase, I just don’t wanna do anything. I won’t talk to anybody. I won’t leave my room unless I have to. I won’t eat too much or want to..do anything really. Except maybe watch Buffy. That helps.

I used to get psychiatric help with this when I was younger. The details are a little fuzzy, because I was just a kid and didn’t know anything that was going on. All I know is I went through about 14 different counselors from the ages of 2-16. Essentially a new one every year. It doesn’t seem like any of them really helped me, and I hated being on medication. I used to be unable to sleep, and extremely moody. I was taken off the meds when I was 10, and since then it’s been escalating. Not the sleeplessness. Thank god.

The thing is though, my philosophy is that mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, ADD, ADHD, etc. etc. shouldn’t be medicated. First off, depression is a stage of life everybody goes through. Everybody gets depressed. Not much you can do about it but power through it and do what you can to make yourself feel better. It’s almost like a cold. It sucks, but you just have to wait it out. ADD, bipolar, and ADHD and the like I think are what makes up that individual’s personality.

The only thing that should be done, is to learn how to control it so it doesn’t get out of hand. Through therapy, not medication. Medication has so many side effects…it’s just not natural. We are all capable of learning how to control stuff like that, it’s just a matter of finding the right ways to do so and the right medium to learn it from. From medication, you can develop a dependance on it. The side effects are almost endless because you’re messing with your body’s chemistry. Suicide, depression, headaches, dependence…it’s endless.

Which is why I refuse to get medication for how I am. It’s like society is saying “You’re broken. You need to be fixed.” I actually had someone say that to me once when I told them how I felt. Wanna know how it made me feel? Like crap. For all of two seconds. Then I was ticked off. Nobody should tell you you’re broken because of something like that and you need to ‘fix’ who you are. You’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just an aspect of yourself you need to control. Otherwise, you’d be monotonous and boring. Then you truly are broken. A broken record.

 

(On another note, I hired an editor to take a look at the manuscript of my first book. If all goes well, I should have an agent by the end of the year 🙂 )

Soon.

Tags

Bond, broken, friend, Friendship, hope, learn, life, live, loss, lost, love, new beginnings, Poem, relationship, summer's end, trust

Dear friends have come and gone
Hard it is for souls to connect
To everyone, you cannot be drawn
Meaning isn’t derived when they intersect

Getting to know someone isn’t too difficult
Bonding and syncing with a person is
Sometimes those bonds break with no fault
It hurts, they snap, bubble, and fizz

Be grateful for the ones that exist
Look forward to the future
New things await you, persist
Don’t focus on the suture

Take that leap ahead
Carry those broken bonds with you
Let fate decide if they’re alive or dead
One day they may return anew

Something may take their spot
But they’ll never be replaced
Whether they return or not
Inside of you, everyone has a space

Remember that.

—————————————————————————–

A couple things have happened this summer, and I guess over a larger period of time, and instead of writing some long rant, I decided to do this instead. I think this will be my last emotional post for awhile.

Here, Allow Me to Dump All of My Troubles And Life Right Here At Once

Tags

Bipolar, Emotion, Facebook, Friendship, Rant, Summer, Thought

This is gonna be one of them serious rambly posts. About life and feelings and emotions and all that icky stuff. Thou hath been warned.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m losing control of myself. Not like I had much control in the first place You could say it’s hormones as well as all the other problems I seem (or think) to have. You could consider it to be normal. I don’t.

To start off, about a year ago I met someone and sorta..kinda developed a crush on them. For the first time ever, and shockingly, I told them about it. They seemed fine with it. Unfamiliar with this new different feeling inside, I let it take control of me. The entire summer it felt like I was addicted and needed to be near them. I began rambling to everybody who would listen about it. You know, the whole ‘don’t bottle it up’ thing. That only seemed to make it worse. I messaged them about 2 more times telling them about this, and I think they started getting a little irritated. Or maybe not considering they still tolerated me. Who knows? I’m paranoid. Anyways, at the end of the summer, they left for camp. I found somebody on a..um..dating site and seeing them inactive, I got all creeper like, found them on facebook, and friended them. It was a rocky 3 month long friendship of sorts. But, they made me forget about the other person. I’ll admit, I was kinda pushy. Hey, you have a desperate teenager looking for that special kind of attention, y’know? But it was totally out of character for me.

About mid-october I headed back home from college for the first time. My first thoughts were of person A, and I felt something tug me to the high school (it was a friday afternoon). Using the cover of looking for another friend (which I would use a few more times in the future), I actively looked for them. And found them. That’s when I realized I was using person B just to cover up my feelings for person A. And the fact that what attracted me to person B was that they resembled person A in their profile picture. There was also the fact that they were in some ways more eligible.

It was either a few weeks before or after I had realized this, I had messaged Person A on Facebook. Just to catch up and all that. For some reason, just talking to them had put me in an abnormally good mood for the rest of the day. Beginning of November/end of October I was home again. A few good friends and I decided to go out to eat. Knowing Person A would be there that night, I suggested their place of work. Sure enough, they were there and I was so nervous I barely said anything. We made another trip there next month. A few more times I would talk to Person A, or hang out with them during late night walks. During one of these, I asked them to meet me. I had decided to tell them my feelings didn’t change, as much as I had tried to make them go away. They said they were cool with it they guessed and asked if I could make them go away. I told them I couldn’t. We pretty much ended the conversation right there and they headed home.

By then, I had the sinking feeling that nothing would ever work out, but that we would still remain friends. Still, I couldn’t understand why I felt so calm around them. Why I was perfectly content no matter what we were doing. The next month I asked them to come stay with me in my dorm. It was a long-shot, and I expected a no, but they enthusiastically said yes. That day I was so happy, you don’t even know. The event was jeopardized by something I had fortunately foreseen (last minute at that), and it was saved. I had agreed to go to a club with them, purely cause they wanted to go. Keep in mind, I’m not the clubbing sort, at all. That entire day we spent together was probably one of the best days ever, only trumped by a later one that happened in the summer. At the club though, I stood aside so they could have fun, I knew I wouldn’t be able to provide them that in such an environment. It killed me to watch them dance with other people, but I stood through it. As long as they had a good time, I didn’t care.

They stayed with me once more and we hung out a few more times before the summer. Each time, my feelings for them grew, and I realized I’d do anything for them. But I couldn’t see myself anywhere in their future. They would give me hope, however, as we became better friends. The possibility of being with them seemed brighter and brighter. I talked about them to my friends all the time, and I’m sure they got sick of it and the rollercoaster of emotions I was feeling as well. I couldn’t help it. This overload of feelings and stress and paranoia also triggered a few bipolar episodes that weren’t all that pretty. Every time before I went to go meet them, I would plan to tell them I cared for them. Every time, I chickened out. Until about a week ago.

I couldn’t tell them in person, so I messaged them on Facebook. I was certain they could give me some sort of answer to end this rollercoaster and cause me to come at peace somehow. This one person had such control over me, and I’m sure they didn’t even know it. I hated that. But nothing was working, I couldn’t let go of them like that without losing them as a friend. Their response wasn’t as I had hoped it would be and I didn’t get my answer. I grew impatient, and got a little irritated and nervous and depressed all at the same time. It kind of scared me. I sat by the gazebo I pass every night on my walks and finally messaged them to forget about what I had said. I had planned for it to be a sort of goodbye to them, at least for the time being. I got no response and accepted that they probably had nothing to say to it or didn’t interpret it as I had hoped or whatever. I can be hard to understand sometimes.

I went camping this week and had a dream. Something that told me what I had intended to do wasn’t right. I had learned earlier in the week that I would be leaving for college a week earlier than expected. When I came back from the great outdoors, I messaged them to let them know and that I was open to hanging out if they got the chance. I really don’t want to lose them, but I know I can’t keep this up anymore. It’s turning me into someone I never wanted to be. Only two people can set it right, and I’m not leaving it to them any longer. It’s not their responsibility. It’s mine. So with this, I’ve decided I won’t talk about them anymore. I won’t pester them to hang out. I’ll wait for them to come to me. I still and will always care about them deeper than I’ve cared for anyone else at this point of my life. I still don’t understand it, and never will. If something’s meant to happen, it will. College will keep me distracted in the meantime.

I think this rant’s too long as it is already. So I’m ending it here.

Au Revoir

One of Those Days

Tags

Bleh, Jaeger, Kaiju, Pacific Rim, Review, Short

You know those days where you just don’t feel like doing anything? So you don’t, and then end up feeling terrible about it. Yup, this is one of those days for me.

Anyways, so the other day I went with some friends to see Pacific Rim. I had first heard about it in the last..month or so of college and it did look pretty awesome. Within the past month, a few of my friends were getting really hyped up about it, and I guess I was a little excited to see it too. I’m always a fan of giant monsters destroying things and eating people. I guess how the good guys take care of it is sort of interesting too… Everybody I know and their distant cousins have been going to see it so I went with some friends this past Saturday. Spoilers ahead maybe.

To say the least, the movie was a little too hyped.

It seemed like there was too much cheesy dialogue and footage of inside the base or whatever…and not enough monster destruction. Most of the Kaiju wrecking things was in news reports and flashbacks. At least, that’s what it seemed like. The dialogue was..cheesy and some things introduced (namely that the dead Kaiju parts and their blood polluting the ocean and causing disease), were merely touched upon too briefly when they could have been made into an interesting subplot of the movie. It seemed like the first part of the movie dragged on forever, until we finally get to our first huge fight scene since the first ten minutes…and two of three Jaegers die and the third is shut down by some bs EMP. Leaving the cliche lead duo to swoop in and rescue them. The duo who is comprised of a typical reckless male lead with a pained past, and a female lead who crippled them in the freakin training simulator. Something that you just can’t get over and get right in the second try. They then take down both Kaiju that three other freakin robots couldn’t do together and save the day, hailed as heroes. If the movie had ended there, I probably would have left. That’s how long it seemed the movie had dragged on. That fight, the first actual one in the entire movie, seemed like the end.

So, the plot was a little weak, the dialogue was cheesy, it seemed to drag on, and the characters were a little too cliche. The cliche and cheesiness, that’s enjoyable and needed sometimes. For a comedy. Or a kids show. Or maybe even a horror movie. A little bit in every genre doesn’t hurt, but enough is enough. The main main problem I had was the fact that it seemed too long. I have a short attention span. I cannot focus on a movie, when I am expecting giant robot and monster fights, where the characters are mostly moaning and groaning about their past and personal problems. In a base. Okay, they can solve that WHILE they’re fighting the Kaiju. It made me laugh when I read up on the movie afterwards and the writers/producers/directors said they were aiming for a real deep and emotional movie like no other. I didn’t really see any of that.

Now for the things I liked. There’s one character played by Ron Perlman that was just awesome. Although he was kinda a dick, and I did laugh..a lot during one unfortunate scene. He had that air of comedic BAery that I really like. Also, post credits scene. That made me a very happy person. The special effects of the movie involving the fight scenes were just simply amazing. I wasn’t disappointed with the Jaeger or Kaiju effects at all.

Now, I heard they already started a sequel MONTHS before this movie actually hit theaters. My opinion on that? Unless they have a really phantasmal idea, don’t do it. Please.

Turk, Turk, Turking Away

Tags

Amazon, Easy, HITs, Human Potatoes, Money, mturk, Online, Purple, Sick, turk, Work

I’m still lying around the house all day, sick as a dog. I’m probably going to die. I oughta get to writing that will! 😀 (joking)

So a few weeks ago, I was looking for a way to make money without actually leaving my house while I look for a summer job. Especially now that my hair’s purple, the likelihood of getting a summer job is close to zilch. I turned to my ever-present and somewhat loyal friend Google for help. Like many other lazy bastards such as myself, I tried Pay-to-click sites. Again. I quickly got bored of that.

After deciding I did not like the commitment of writing for some newsletter or journal or whatever, without even a guarantee whatever I write will be published and compensated for, I found a newish service Amazon had started. When I say newish, I mean like 3-5 years ago.  It’s called Mechanical Turk, or mturk for short. Essentially, companies and individuals will post tasks that computers can’t do (and/or they or their employees won’t do) for other human potatoes on the internet to do for them. I like that phrase. Human potatoes. It’s mine now. Anyhow, the ‘workers’ do these tasks and are compensated with a small monetary amount ranging from as little as a penny, to about ten bucks on average. Of course, there are tasks that pay more than that. THose ones generally require experience and qualifications that you can earn the more time and effort you spend ‘turking’. There’s also something about skills, but I don’t think that applies to me just yet, cause I have none! 😀

Some examples of these tasks range from doing surveys, to filtering images and keywords, to writing articles, to transcribing audio files. It’s mostly all boring and relatively easy stuff. You start off with a probation period of ten days. During this period of time you are limited to 100 ‘HITs’ (Human Interaction Tasks) you are permitted to do per day. You also need to complete at least one ‘HIT’ every day during this ten day period to get rid of your probation status and finally withdraw the money you’ve made.

Of course, I’ve perused the interwebz as thoroughly as I’ve cared to in order to find neat little tips and tricks to make more cash with less effort. I found a few things that were a bit helpful. And a few that did almost nothing for me. I will proceed to list them in numerical order of whichever pops into my mind first.

1: Join the forums. Which I did. Since then, I have not looked at the forum since, because let’s face it, I’m not all that social. (And they didn’t look to be that active anyways.)

2: Do not go for any hits below $.20. I found this to be complete BS. Maybe if you’ve been doing it for awhile and are qualified for the better ones you should heed this advice, but I’d say for the first month or so, don’t do anything below $.05. They’re often fast, easy, and will make your approval rate and submitted HITs count skyrocket. Your options are also slightly more varied if you don’t limit it so much.

3: Take as many qualification tests and request as many qualifications as you can. I did this, and most of them are still pending. But, it is worth it. It opens up your options a lot. Although, sometimes you have to look up specific qualifications in the search bar to request them.

4: Download the Firefox/Chrome add-on. This is extremely useful if you plan on doing this long term. What this add on will do is give you a rating for each requester BEFORE you accept a HIT. It shows up as a little red arrow next to their name. It does pretty damn well for weeding out scammers and the like. Saves your valuable time too.

5: Set a goal. Whether it be a time per day goal, or an amount earned per day goal, both give you a reason to actually work. (Aside from the obvious cash benefits) My goal is at least $50 a week or about $10 a day. It also gives me time to take a few days off to slack. Because, you know. I’m a slacker.

And my personal tip: the amount of work and effort you do will reflect in your pay. Most blog posts I’ve seen regarding mturk will be all proud of themselves saying “Oh, I’ve been doing it for the past 4 days, and I’ve only earned 5 bucks”. Please. My first 4 and I had earned close to 40. How? I actually did the work instead of clicking a few and then being done. I understand these people had ‘real jobs’, but they can’t expect to just start off on something like this and earn big money right off.  Don’t be discouraged. Do a LOT when you first start out. Aim for at least 20 hits per day. Not sucky ones, good ones. Ones worth at least $.05 per hit. As you get better and better, you’ll be able to do more and more in a lesser amount of time. Another thing, do NOT shirk the work. Some jobs are relatively mindless, and some requesters are lenient, but 9 times out of 10, if you do a sucky job, you WILL get rejected. And this will hurt your chances of qualifying for better HITs.

My progress so far? Been doing this for roughly a week and half. With a lot of slacking, I’ve managed to make about $75 so far. Not bad, eh?